Oct. 13th, 2012

naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
He got out last night and has been gone for fifteen or sixteen hours, I think. No sign of him, and now it's pissing rain, and he could be anywhere in the enormous forested drainage area that runs behind our house, that's tangled so thick you can't walk through it.

Just . . . cross your fingers that the little douchebag gets back safe, okay? I really can't do this. I'm strong enough to walk, but I'm not strong enough to carry anything heavy like this right now.

And he's . . . an indoor cat, a dumb one, who doesn't even know what wind and rain are, in an enormous world full of people and things and animals he doesn't know, and might want to hurt him. And I can only hope he's not scared, because that kind of all-pervading, immobilizing fear is something I know way to well to be able to bear the thought of him feeling it with any grace.

I can barely go outside. It reminds me so strongly of how it felt when I had my horrible, horrible hours-long panic attacks, and how everything outside the house was just . . . a fucking nightmare.

Normally I'm really cool-headed, but I am surprisingly, humiliatingly, not fucking coping.

Advice not really appreciated. We're doing what we can do. Just keep your fingers crossed that he comes home very, very soon.
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
"We thought he was a goner, but the cat came back the very next day."

He's back. He's wet. He's filthy. He's freaked out. He's SO hungry. And he's still an asshole, so there's that.

Thank you for the well-wishes everyone, and the good juju. Apparently it helped him find his stupid way home.

God. I haven't even gotten out of bed all day, literally sick with worry. And now I just want to get right back into it and sleep until tomorrow. I'd feel bad for freaking out so much, but when I was a kid I lost so many cats -- thirteen? -- from outdoor accidents like autos and dogs and just mysterious disappearances, and one right in front of me, and I found I just couldn't cope with that and the knowing what being utterly alone and exposed and scared feels like.

*hugs*

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naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
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