Feb. 20th, 2016

naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
I'm convinced that being this flat for this long is placing an unreasonable burden on my girlfriend, and that when I finally bounce back, she'll collapse.  I don't want that to happen to her.  I also don't think I could handle it.  I'm not in any place to give emotional support right now.  Not if it's intensive.  And she's going to need it because the anniversary of the break-in is next week and we're getting ready for this huge upheaval/move and I just don't know where it's even going to come from.

I want this to be over.  People keep asking me what the holdup is, why is it taking so long, what's wrong, and it's like -- GUYS! I barely knew what was happening before I collapsed last week.  At this point, my reasoning for instigating this whole "fuck your awful generics, get me on the name brand" thing completely escapes me.  I thought this would save me trouble in the long term, and all it has meant is I don't have my meds and I can't get anyone to fix it.  I keep getting told no.  I don't even know what I'm doing anymore!

I don't want to hurt myself, I don't want to die, I just want to be safe.  I just want to feel fucking safe.

I'm so scared, and I'm so tired.  I spend almost all day in bed, and am sleeping between 10 and 14 hours a day because I am simply exhausted.  I was physically weak before all this started, either from the flu, or from the meds not working right and the resulting withdrawal.  Now I'm physically weak because of all that and I'm barely eating because I don't have the wherewithal to do dishes/make food and because even if I did I'm sick and tired of eating the same four things because the IBS is fucking insane, so it actually takes effort to eat even when the food is put in front of me.

I'm cold all the time and my body temperature is between 1 and 2 degrees below normal at all times and I don't know if it's stress or not eating or the thyroid thing -- not helped by the fact that I don't remember to take my Synthroid most days because the antidepressant I usually take with it is NOT THERE RIGHT NOW and because refilling my weekly pill container comes pretty close to making me want to cry because I feel so stupid for instigating this when I could at least be taking shitty generics and pretending there wasn't a problem, instead of fighting it -- only I'm not fighting, I have fucking given up.

My schedule has gone completely nocturnal so I miss every fucking phone call and half the time I don't fucking know what they are even about because my mental process is so fogged at this point I . . . I just don't know what's happening most of the time.  I can't remember anything.  And the other half of the time they're about things that require more phone calls to fix and I just can't do that, not every time.  I mean, I do pretty good.  I return a little over half (I counted) but I can't get them all, and when every problem takes between 2 and 5 calls to resolve, that means things just don't get done.

And I feel fucking disgusting.  Like a grown-ass human being shouldn't have to have people telling them to take their meds and eat their food like a fucking infant, but here I am, about to give up on that, too.  There are people who have it so much worse.  I feel so worthless and selfish and weak because I can't deal with even this level of adversity, and it's not that bad.  I mean, I'm not being denied pain meds or cancer treatments.  It's not that bad.

I really, really need to know why that clinic manager was so fucking nasty to me, and I need someone to hold her accountable.  I probably never will see that happen, because there is no fucking accountability for these people.  And at this point, shit has gone south on me often enough that it's starting to look like it really is my fault somehow.  That whole "the only common denominator in all your failed relationships is you" thing.

And all of the solutions to all of this require me doing something.  I can't do anything.  I just want to scream.

Jesus, I'm so fucking hungry.  And all I have the energy to do is eat pieces of bread, or a breakfast muffin.


naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)

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