Mar. 16th, 2016

naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
So tired from cleaning that everything else is going to hell because I can't keep up.

It shouldn't have taken four days to clean one bathroom, I simply was not expecting to have to do even a quarter as much, and the repairs are still not finished. My dad is having to pay for it all, because I'm a broken fuckup who can't support themselves.

Now because of that, we got behind cleaning Bear's apartment up before her move-out day, so I did that all in one day yesterday, but now I'm way behind on my own stuff: the kitchen, my bathroom, my bedroom, grocery shopping, and the laundry. All of that has piled up into a morass that will take days to fix.

This shit has been constant, and maybe that wouldn't be a problem if I were still on my meds but I'm off the Wellbutrin completely and have only 2 days of the shitty Seroquel left. Four if I stretch it which would mean little to no restful sleep, but also would keep the discontinuation symptoms away a little longer.

So I'm doing this starting with very few resources and plunging into negative spoons pretty much daily which, if it persists, is going to put me in a scary place, psychologically speaking.

I'm still navigating hell trying to get the meds sorted out. Having to go to doctor's appointments when I have no car of my own, and when I'm sleeping during the day so basically every appointment is either keeping me up late or getting me up early. Maybe having to go to the city shelter for the homeless to see what their pharmacy can get me, which means documenting my need which means pulling together a bunch of paperwork. And going down there when I have no car and have to borrow Bear's or catch a ride (inconveniencing someone else, which is VERY STRESSFUL).

I feel like a small animal being constantly shaken and pushed around so I can't get any rest. I keep thinking "Tomorrow I can relax!" and shit keeps coming up or going wrong and keeping that from happening and I am so TIRED. I NEED A BREAK.

Being poor is expensive, a lot of work, and is emotionally and physically draining.

I just want time to rest and I thought I would have more of that but about four critical days got ripped away from me and the fallout from that, the scramble it sent us all into, has fucked up a LOT more than four days.

I also wanted a few days as an airlock to maybe move some stuff out of the way and finally paint my bedroom or something. Just something nice for me, you know? Because when we moved in here in 2008 I spent my energy on getting the rest of the house fixed up and by the time I got to my room I was just exhausted so I let it go because I felt like I didn't matter. Well, I DO matter. And I didn't want this to happen again. And it has. And it isn't my fault so I just feel like I'm being punished for thinking that maybe I deserve a little better.

Pharmacies and paperwork and doctor visits and phone calls and running around and waiting every day to hear if anything has changed. I don't feel like I'm ever going to get on top of this shit.

I need to be left alone. Just...leave me alone, please. Jesus, I need this to be over.

And a lot of it is complicated enough that I can't outsource it effectively. And I can barely keep what I'm supposed to be doing straight.

This is so fucking frustrating. I could deal with the psych meds OR the house repairs/cleaning. Not both.

People keep pushing me to keep going. No. I need someone to do this for me. To get me my meds. I can't keep this up. I am so close to breaking. It's been almost three months. THREE MONTHS. I need to REST and I need to be SAFE. And people keep telling me it'll be over soon, and it just isn't TRUE.

Not true at all.

I am so tired.

I am trying so hard to fight.

I just want it to be over. Please.

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naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
naamah_darling

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