Apr. 8th, 2016

naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
For now we have the Seroquel situation under control.  I have a generic that works.  Thanks to Bear and her therapist for taking the ball on that one and making it happen when I didn't have the strength to do it.

All that's left is the Wellbutrin and I have a sizeable stash of it.  Thank you to those who helped me obtain it.

And I may not need it, I don't know.  While I was off the Seroquel, I had to stop taking it even though I had some, because it's very activating, and made it even harder to sleep.  And I've been all right without it.

The other news is that I was offered genetic testing to determine what other antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs might work for me.  It could be there is a better answer all around.  I'm very excited about this.  Aside from it being SCIENCE! from THE FUTURE! it's also an avenue of enquiry with the potential to yield valuable data.  So I had the cheek swab done yesterday and will have the results in a couple of weeks.

Neat, right?

All of this undermedicated nonsense aside, especially now that I have a couple of days' worth of solid sleep under my belt, I am feeling better than I have in ages.

My situation has been complicated -- more complicated than I can or want to discuss here -- and difficult for a long time.  Resolving that has been tricky and sometimes frightening, but also necessary and freeing, and I am feeling it more each day.  Bear is a tremendous help in that regard.  I love her deeply.  We are a strong unit.  I have confidence in us.  And confidence in myself, that even if this doesn't work out maybe I really could find a way to make it on my own.  Maybe I really would be okay.  Maybe I'm not the unsalvageable mess I've thought for so long I am.

I'm not as scared of the future as I was because I can actually see a future, instead of just . . . hopelessness and more of the same, going on forever.  I'm still scared, yes, but my life feels like it belongs to me again.  It feels real again.  I feel real.

Sometimes I feel like I should have done more to make things right, and every day I feel that I should have done what was necessary sooner.  Then I think yes, but I did do what was necessary and I did save myself.  I survived.  Even if it was difficult, and sometimes distasteful and unfair.  But I survived.  And that's enough.  I should not have to be ashamed for anything I did to survive.

There is so much I wish I could say, but I have to leave it at "I am happy here."


naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)

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