Apr. 16th, 2016

Meh.

Apr. 16th, 2016 08:10 pm
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
TW: eating disorder stuff

The IBS had me in such pain that I lost about 30 pounds last year, and I spent a lot of time unable to eat to satiation.

Now that I'm cooking my own food I'm relatively stable, and have been able to eat as much as I want.  That has led me to regain everything I lost (and will probably wind up regaining more because that's how yo-yo dieting works, even when it's not intentional), and what's worse, I'm having a recurrence of the behavior I had after years of starving myself: I'm eating a lot, and almost constantly throughout the day, because that's what food deprivation does.  It makes you hungry.  Not hungry in a stomach growling sense, but in a deeper way.  Hungry on a cellular level.  It's a compulsion to eat and it's almost impossible to ignore.  Doing so is upsetting -- it reminds me too strongly of doing it deliberately, reminds me of how miserable I was.

I know that resisting it only makes it worse and makes it last longer, but I still have a lot of issues around my size and it's distressing.

I'm still dysphoric about my body.  I don't know if that will ever change.  And this is not helping.

Stupid IBS.  Just another way it fucks me up.

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naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
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