May. 11th, 2016

naamah_darling: Picture of a treasure chest with a skull and crossbones on top. My art! (Artistic)
But it's not not magical.

I am finding new ways to be content every day.

When you're in a situation where more harm is being done than good, and no forward advancement is happening, no amount of "little things" can bring you happiness.  I would get angry when people would say "relish the little things" and I'd be like WHAT THE FUCK do you expect me to do, just ignore how unhappy I am in favor of going "Oooh, flowers!", is that what you want?  How are flowers supposed to make me feel better when I can't breathe?  Fuck off with this "little things" shit, stop telling me to be content with cats and sunbeams and the occasional bath.  I'm bleeding out.  I don't need hot tea and a good book.  I need HELP.

Because that's what being in a bad situation will do to you.  All those nice little things are still there, but it's impossible to enjoy them, impossible to take comfort in them.  That's not a failure of perception, it's not ingratitude, it's just the effect pain has on a person's spirit.

But I'm in a situation that is working for me now.  I am in a situation that is demonstrably bringing improvements to literally every area of my life.  I'm discovering I'm strong.  Have always been strong.  Should never have had to be as strong as I was.  And now I have room to use that strength for more than survival.

Bear is playing video games, taking a deserved break after we both spent time together listening to podcasts and working on ponies, and I just went out to my little container garden and picked some real, fresh rosemary and used it on some chicken I just put in the oven.  I washed some of our new dishes.  The cats are staring out the front door, and the sun is bright and clear.  I just saw a cardinal in our bushes.

And when I went outside, I noticed that one of our plants bloomed overnight.  Just boom, and suddenly there are tiny yellow flowers out of nowhere when there were literally no flowers yesterday whatsoever.  I don't know what plant it is.  It's something my sister gave us in a big flowerpot of mixed plants.  But it's there, blooming brightly like everything in its life is going right and it's happy right where it is, and I realized that here, here is forward progress, and evidence that I am not fucking everything up.

The little things didn't lift me out of the bad place.  But suddenly being able to appreciate the little things again lets me know I'm not still there.  I hold my cats or sit in my bath and I think I am enjoying this.  I am happy right now.

And it's not visible in my words, but the other half of this miracle, the part that isn't simply "No longer in a bad place!", is Bear, and her presence as a wonderful, beautiful companion who I am grateful to have in my life every day.

It's a good world that has her in it.  It's a good life we have together.

I am less afraid every day.  I am happier every day.

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naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
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