Jun. 15th, 2016

naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
Everything has just felt . . . flat.

I have things that need doing, and I even do some of them, but my heart isn't in it.  It's not even like depression, where there is nearly always a place to get away from it, whether that's video games or reading or playing with pixel dragons or writing or RP, it's just a matter of finding it.  This is just . . . I do the things I want to do, and I don't enjoy them.

I'm too tired and numb to do much, caught between feeling awful and feeling awful for feeling awful because I lost no-one personally and I'm not a part of the group most affected by it, only the LGBT community as a whole.  I'm angry, but it's an overwhelmed kind of angry because it feels like there's nothing I can do to stop people from being so fucking awful.

Assholes talking about this want to blame Muslim people, to which I say bullshit.

They want to blame mental illness, to which I say bullshit.

They want to blame frustrated homosexuality, to which I say bullshit.

The man was a hater, and he wanted to kill.  So he did.

Being Muslim, mentally ill, frustratedly gay, does not make you a wannabe killer.  But people imply it does, piling up more shit on the doorstep of Muslim people, mentally ill people, closeted gay people.

And people will do doughnuts around their own assholes to try to avoid saying that it was flat-out homophobia, which our nation is positively seething with right now.

I grieve most for the LGBT Latin@ community, dealt an incalculable wound.  One that has been largely overlooked in discussions of the tragedy.  Race has been erased, and we must not allow that to continue.  Not outside the LGBT community, nor within it.

I fear most for the Muslim people who will suffer for this, especially LGBT Muslims.

This happened during Pride Month, during Immigrant Heritage Month, during Ramadan.  This is a time for celebration, for appreciating history, it is a sacred time.  The larger LGBT community needs to close ranks around these people.  Protect them, as Tumblr says, at all costs.

I'm avoiding news as much as I can because the commentary is shit.  I avoid talking about it with people, even people I trust, because it's a near guarantee that something incredibly stupid is going to fall out of their mouths at some point.

I'm mourning for the wider LGBT community.  But I also see a lot of hope coming our way in the future.  

This will become part of our history, another wound to add to all the others.  And we will draw together over it, like scar tissue knitting over a wound.  We will remember it every June by coming closer, by saying the names, by remembering, by taking joy in what we have left of what was, and in celebrating what is new.  

Because while there are new names with no heartbeats behind them now, and while there will be more of those between now and next year, there will also be new names and heartbeats next year.  Just-Out folks of all ages, people newly married, newly escaped from abusive families, people participating in the community in new ways, living their truth.  

This must never be forgotten, we must use this pain to make others understand, we mustn't back down.  We must use this to find new ways to reach out and demand that the world change.  But we must also find new ways to feel alive and love one another.  The sole legacy of this should not be of anger -- though our anger is beautiful and so necessary -- but also of creation and hope.

We are making so much progress, and hostility directed at us is one of the first signs of that.  It is meant to force us back into invisibility.  To silence and terrorize us.

And it's just not going to work.

Right after I heard the news I went and climbed into bed with my sleeping girlfriend, and I lay there with my skin against her skin, floating in a fragile sort of peace because she didn't know yet, and I comforted myself by thinking that even if this is taken away from us by violence tomorrow, we would still have had it.

And that even though this loss has been incalculable, even though the world and the wider LGBT community has been robbed of these vital presences that were so needed, nothing can erase them completely.  Much has been lost, much will never be made, never be done.  But what was done and what was made has not been wasted.

I comfort myself with that, too.


naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)

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