Oct. 2nd, 2016

naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
I'm having a hysterectomy on the 17th, theoretically.  Provided everything goes to plan and I don't lose my nerve, which feels like a distinct possibility.

Half the videos I've seen have been like "...they sent me home from the hospital twenty minutes after I woke up and I punched eleven wolves that same night!" and the other half have been like "it's week 273 and I'm still probably dying."  Neither of which seem at all reasonable.

I'm having minimally invasive super-futuristic robot surgery, so it's a much lighter recovery, but I'm still scared of it being utterly unbearable.

The truth is that while this is a thing that 100% needs to happen at some point, doing it right now is kind of optional, and because it's optional, if it winds up being a terrible experience I'll have nobody but myself to blame for it.

And of course people aren't helping.  They're like "As long as you're careful not to [do X really simple and vital thing] and don't mind [X intolerable symptom] you should be fine!"

Uh.  If you say so.

Or "Oh, it's not so bad after the first six weeks!  Most of the pain is gone in six months to a year!"  Are you fucking kidding me?  NOTHING short of averting immediate, impending DEATH is worth that.

The surgeon is, of course, very excited about the prospect of getting to do her thing.  And assures me that it won't really affect my sexual functioning.  I'm having a hard time getting medical personnel to understand that I like big toys and I like rough sex which means I sort of treat my vagina like a Bag of Holding and will be disappointed if I can no longer get the snot fucked out of me for fear of busting a literal seam.

I'm sort of concerned they think that because I'm with a woman there's no dick involved, when there are, in fact, several feet of very high-quality dick involved.

And, insult to injury, a resource I keep getting directed to, Hystersisters dot com, is grotesquely and rampagingly cissexist.  Like, I'm maybe 15% dysphoric about my body, gender-wise.  I'd characterize myself as "resigned."  For the most part it doesn't bother me.

But that site, oh my god.

I'm fine with having a vagina.  Honest.  What I am not okay with at all is being talked over because I have one.

Anyway, that's where I'm at.  It's scary and I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing, and half of what people tell me in an effort to be reassuring just winds up making it worse, so I feel kind of at a loss.  I'm trying to make an adult decision based on the fact that I have handled all the pain life has thrown at me this far without too much trouble, and just find myself wondering whether I even know what pain is.

It's nerve-wracking.  I'm doing my best to keep up with it but it's not easy.  And part of me feels bad for going into this voluntarily, when my girlfriend is just going to have to bust her ass to take care of me.  I don't want to be any trouble.  I don't want to be high-maintenance.  She deserves to have me fully-functional.

I don't know.  This kind of sucks.  I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing, or whether it will turn out well, and I just wish I knew what to really expect.

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naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
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