naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Tootsie Pops!)
Sargon: *opens Netflix envelope* We got Revenge of the Ninja.

Naamah: Cool! What's it about?

Sargon: . . .

Naamah: . . . That was a stupid question. I'm sorry.

As it turns out, this movie is horrible and absolutely hilarious. There is nothing cool about it at all. We are not even ten minutes in and I've already barked at the screen three times. There's a blonde chick with no pants karate practicing, and I swear she just flashed her badger.

What inappropriate things would you put in your ninja movie?
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Tootsie Pops!)
Sargon: *opens Netflix envelope* We got Revenge of the Ninja.

Naamah: Cool! What's it about?

Sargon: . . .

Naamah: . . . That was a stupid question. I'm sorry.

As it turns out, this movie is horrible and absolutely hilarious. There is nothing cool about it at all. We are not even ten minutes in and I've already barked at the screen three times. There's a blonde chick with no pants karate practicing, and I swear she just flashed her badger.

What inappropriate things would you put in your ninja movie?
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
I thought I should warn you about Night Watch.

Just in case Netflix decides not to publish my review, here is an enhanced version complete with the profanity I was forced to cut.

If you liked this movie, I suggest you skip this. Reading it might lead you to argue with me, which would forever tarnish my assessment of your sentience and call into question your qualifications to breathe oxygen.

I do not understand the people falling all over themselves to worship this movie. It's like watching a pack of otherwise intelligent people fall down to worship the face of Christ on a burned cheese sandwich. They are seeing something that plainly isn't there, and how they have deluded themselves into believing otherwise is a mystery both utterly foreign and completely terrifying to me. It makes me question my faith in humankind.

This movie is bad. In fact, this incomprehensible pile of cinematic sewage is not even redeemed by its badness, like Blade Trinity. Its incoherence is rivaled only by the worst anime I have ever seen, and its visual appeal is about on a par with Jean Reno's nutsack. Its awfulness could not be rendered watchable even by a full MST3K makeover and intercut scenes featuring Tom Welling furiously jerking off onto Jessica Biel's shoulder muscles. By the end I was literally swearing and moaning aloud in pain, and afterwards both Sargon and I were forced to make horrible use of the bathroom in some sort of displaced self defense reflex.

A complete lack of anything resembling a coherent plot is the primary crime here, followed by an utter dearth of interesting or sympathetic characters, compounded by a cinematic style that renders what was already a disjointed, weak storyline into an attention-deficit fueled exercise in pure viewer willpower. In service to a good story with likeable characters, the cinematography would have been interesting, but story and character failed completely leaving nothing at all for the viewer to hold on to.

It is the gom jabbar of vampire movies. It exists only to cause pain. The only reason to watch it is to see if you are brave enough to make it all the way through.

The main character was not quite as appealing as a lump of rancid cheese tied into a filthy gym sock and soaked in pig's bile. Even if he had been attractive, which he so was not, he still would have had all the charisma of a cold rectal thermometer. At every turn, I wished fervently for his gruesome death. Specifically, I wished for the werewolves from Underworld -- itself a textbook lesson in how to make a good bad movie -- to come onscreen and bite his face off, beginning with his horrid lips, before urinating into his empty eyesockets.

I would say the movie took itself too seriously, but it was not even coherent enough to deliver the ponderous, ham-handed sort of over-preaching that one usually sees in movies convinced of their own superiority. No, that would require some level of plot-related activity and not a random diarrhea of vaguely-related ideas and images. Taking yourself seriously requires that you make a point and then illustrate it. This movie could not have illustrated suppository instructions. It did actually aim for humor and a sort of over-the-top action appeal, but failed utterly. Not funny, not entertaining, and we're not caring.

The underlying "good vs. evil" theme is fundamentally hackneyed, especially when combined with the tropes of "prophecy" and "magical kid," but in the hands of a competent writer it can still be handled in an entertaining way. It is, however, an uphill battle on the best of days. This movie staggered about like a drunk, and like that same drunk falling down and passing out in a puddle of his own sick, this movie never wandered far from its starting point. Bad from start to finish.

I cannot in good conscience recommend that anyone watch it for any reason. If you want a good horror movie, I advise you to watch anything else (except The Host, which also fucking sucked). If you want an entertainingly bad horror movie, you would be better off with any Hammer movie ever made.

Watching roadkill decompose provides more riveting fare.

For those of you inclined to defend it, well, sorry. You can say you liked it and I won't gainsay you, I like a lot of things that frankly suck, but a good movie it was not. I would prefer to watch the remake of The Fog a dozen times rather than revisit this tripe even once, and I am not exaggerating in the slightest.
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
I thought I should warn you about Night Watch.

Just in case Netflix decides not to publish my review, here is an enhanced version complete with the profanity I was forced to cut.

If you liked this movie, I suggest you skip this. Reading it might lead you to argue with me, which would forever tarnish my assessment of your sentience and call into question your qualifications to breathe oxygen.

I do not understand the people falling all over themselves to worship this movie. It's like watching a pack of otherwise intelligent people fall down to worship the face of Christ on a burned cheese sandwich. They are seeing something that plainly isn't there, and how they have deluded themselves into believing otherwise is a mystery both utterly foreign and completely terrifying to me. It makes me question my faith in humankind.

This movie is bad. In fact, this incomprehensible pile of cinematic sewage is not even redeemed by its badness, like Blade Trinity. Its incoherence is rivaled only by the worst anime I have ever seen, and its visual appeal is about on a par with Jean Reno's nutsack. Its awfulness could not be rendered watchable even by a full MST3K makeover and intercut scenes featuring Tom Welling furiously jerking off onto Jessica Biel's shoulder muscles. By the end I was literally swearing and moaning aloud in pain, and afterwards both Sargon and I were forced to make horrible use of the bathroom in some sort of displaced self defense reflex.

A complete lack of anything resembling a coherent plot is the primary crime here, followed by an utter dearth of interesting or sympathetic characters, compounded by a cinematic style that renders what was already a disjointed, weak storyline into an attention-deficit fueled exercise in pure viewer willpower. In service to a good story with likeable characters, the cinematography would have been interesting, but story and character failed completely leaving nothing at all for the viewer to hold on to.

It is the gom jabbar of vampire movies. It exists only to cause pain. The only reason to watch it is to see if you are brave enough to make it all the way through.

The main character was not quite as appealing as a lump of rancid cheese tied into a filthy gym sock and soaked in pig's bile. Even if he had been attractive, which he so was not, he still would have had all the charisma of a cold rectal thermometer. At every turn, I wished fervently for his gruesome death. Specifically, I wished for the werewolves from Underworld -- itself a textbook lesson in how to make a good bad movie -- to come onscreen and bite his face off, beginning with his horrid lips, before urinating into his empty eyesockets.

I would say the movie took itself too seriously, but it was not even coherent enough to deliver the ponderous, ham-handed sort of over-preaching that one usually sees in movies convinced of their own superiority. No, that would require some level of plot-related activity and not a random diarrhea of vaguely-related ideas and images. Taking yourself seriously requires that you make a point and then illustrate it. This movie could not have illustrated suppository instructions. It did actually aim for humor and a sort of over-the-top action appeal, but failed utterly. Not funny, not entertaining, and we're not caring.

The underlying "good vs. evil" theme is fundamentally hackneyed, especially when combined with the tropes of "prophecy" and "magical kid," but in the hands of a competent writer it can still be handled in an entertaining way. It is, however, an uphill battle on the best of days. This movie staggered about like a drunk, and like that same drunk falling down and passing out in a puddle of his own sick, this movie never wandered far from its starting point. Bad from start to finish.

I cannot in good conscience recommend that anyone watch it for any reason. If you want a good horror movie, I advise you to watch anything else (except The Host, which also fucking sucked). If you want an entertainingly bad horror movie, you would be better off with any Hammer movie ever made.

Watching roadkill decompose provides more riveting fare.

For those of you inclined to defend it, well, sorry. You can say you liked it and I won't gainsay you, I like a lot of things that frankly suck, but a good movie it was not. I would prefer to watch the remake of The Fog a dozen times rather than revisit this tripe even once, and I am not exaggerating in the slightest.
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Lucian According to Whom?)
Hey, Underworld fans, help me out.

Included in the inserts for one of the first two movies, I remember there being a slip advertising a short comic series that was a prequel to the first movie, featuring everyone's favorite alpha male, Lucian.

I cannot find this slip.

Does anyone have it? I think it was in the case of the first movie's not-so-special edition, but cannot be sure. My special edition no longer has any inserts, so it could have been there, too. It could also have been in with the second movie, but if that's the case, I still don't have it.

Note, I'm not talking about the cheesy comic book adaptation insert they put into the second movie's case. This was a single-page slip advertising an actual short comic series. The art featured Lucian and Raze, as I recall.

I really want a scan of this insert, both sides if it has both sides, or at least I want the information on it.

I want to know if I completely missed these when they were out, or if they are the same thing as these two comics, collected in this edition, which are the only Underworld comics I can find but which do not feature any art that I recognize.

I can't find any mention of this series anywhere, and have been trying for a year or so. I'm kind of annoyed. Please send help? I don't want to ask the [livejournal.com profile] ljgenie, despite its awesomeness.
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Lucian According to Whom?)
Hey, Underworld fans, help me out.

Included in the inserts for one of the first two movies, I remember there being a slip advertising a short comic series that was a prequel to the first movie, featuring everyone's favorite alpha male, Lucian.

I cannot find this slip.

Does anyone have it? I think it was in the case of the first movie's not-so-special edition, but cannot be sure. My special edition no longer has any inserts, so it could have been there, too. It could also have been in with the second movie, but if that's the case, I still don't have it.

Note, I'm not talking about the cheesy comic book adaptation insert they put into the second movie's case. This was a single-page slip advertising an actual short comic series. The art featured Lucian and Raze, as I recall.

I really want a scan of this insert, both sides if it has both sides, or at least I want the information on it.

I want to know if I completely missed these when they were out, or if they are the same thing as these two comics, collected in this edition, which are the only Underworld comics I can find but which do not feature any art that I recognize.

I can't find any mention of this series anywhere, and have been trying for a year or so. I'm kind of annoyed. Please send help? I don't want to ask the [livejournal.com profile] ljgenie, despite its awesomeness.
naamah_darling: Lucian from Underworld next to a snarling wolf. From the dark into the black, throwbacks always have to go. (Lucian Throwbacks)
For Lupercalia, I thought I'd give you an essay about blood, sex, and wolves. Seems appropriate.

I saw Ginger Snaps last night, finally, after being a bad werewolf fan and waiting way too long to see it. I really, really liked the movie. It was very sharply-scripted and incredibly funny. It hit some wonderfully dark notes without losing its deft touch. I probably will buy it.

That said, the people who have claimed that this is a masterpiece of feminist awesomeness are wrong.

This was the same nonsense we always see: sex used as a metaphor for degeneration and moral decay. The end result was more of the same body-fearing, sexuality-fearing bullshit that I'm accustomed to seeing in horror movies, and despite some sharp writing, really excellent acting, and a genuinely interesting exploration of what happens when one of a pair of friends (in this case, sisters) begins spiraling into self-destructive behavior, it brought nothing new to the table. Hey, why break with tradition now?

Coming-of-age stories for women are pretty limited. Many are cautionary tales warning of the dangers of sex and sexuality. This kind of story at least hints at pleasure-driven sexuality, which a lot of surviving women's stories do not. I'm much more likely to give a thumbs-up to a story that has the character suffer horribly for fucking than I am to give a thumbs-up to a story that shows the character being rewarded for settling down with a husband and popping out a litter after a brief excursion into adventure and free-will. To my mind, better fucking and dead than live and enslaved. Make of that what you will. At least you get that moment of freedom before you go to the bitch-whore's culturally-mandated demise.

The good things about the movie were very good.

Cut for possible spoilers and for feminist discussion. )

And now my fur has turned to skin
And I've been quickly ushered in
To a world that I confess I do not know,
But I still dream of running careless through the snow
And through the howlin' winds that blow
Across the ancient distant flow,
It fills our bodies up like water till we know.

-- Blitzen Trapper, Furr

From the dark into the black,
Throwbacks always have to go,
But now I know it's painless.

-- Tarot, Painless

I would recommend, if you want to see a very good movie that discusses these things in a more approachably female way, that you see A Company of Wolves, based on the peerless Angela Carter story of the same name. And while you're at it, reading the rest of the book in which it appears, The Bloody Chamber, is probably a good idea.
naamah_darling: Lucian from Underworld next to a snarling wolf. From the dark into the black, throwbacks always have to go. (Lucian Throwbacks)
For Lupercalia, I thought I'd give you an essay about blood, sex, and wolves. Seems appropriate.

I saw Ginger Snaps last night, finally, after being a bad werewolf fan and waiting way too long to see it. I really, really liked the movie. It was very sharply-scripted and incredibly funny. It hit some wonderfully dark notes without losing its deft touch. I probably will buy it.

That said, the people who have claimed that this is a masterpiece of feminist awesomeness are wrong.

This was the same nonsense we always see: sex used as a metaphor for degeneration and moral decay. The end result was more of the same body-fearing, sexuality-fearing bullshit that I'm accustomed to seeing in horror movies, and despite some sharp writing, really excellent acting, and a genuinely interesting exploration of what happens when one of a pair of friends (in this case, sisters) begins spiraling into self-destructive behavior, it brought nothing new to the table. Hey, why break with tradition now?

Coming-of-age stories for women are pretty limited. Many are cautionary tales warning of the dangers of sex and sexuality. This kind of story at least hints at pleasure-driven sexuality, which a lot of surviving women's stories do not. I'm much more likely to give a thumbs-up to a story that has the character suffer horribly for fucking than I am to give a thumbs-up to a story that shows the character being rewarded for settling down with a husband and popping out a litter after a brief excursion into adventure and free-will. To my mind, better fucking and dead than live and enslaved. Make of that what you will. At least you get that moment of freedom before you go to the bitch-whore's culturally-mandated demise.

The good things about the movie were very good.

Cut for possible spoilers and for feminist discussion. )

And now my fur has turned to skin
And I've been quickly ushered in
To a world that I confess I do not know,
But I still dream of running careless through the snow
And through the howlin' winds that blow
Across the ancient distant flow,
It fills our bodies up like water till we know.

-- Blitzen Trapper, Furr

From the dark into the black,
Throwbacks always have to go,
But now I know it's painless.

-- Tarot, Painless

I would recommend, if you want to see a very good movie that discusses these things in a more approachably female way, that you see A Company of Wolves, based on the peerless Angela Carter story of the same name. And while you're at it, reading the rest of the book in which it appears, The Bloody Chamber, is probably a good idea.
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (BTiLC Crazy Problem)
Garbage in, garbage out, I suppose. Sargon and I spent all last night watching crappy monster movies.

I get the best dreams when I'm napping. I'm going to fill in the blanks on this one and just throw it at you, because shouldn't we all enjoy a crappy movie on Saturday evening?

In the dream, that's what Tom Welling and I were doing. We were watching a crappy movie at the drive-in, and I had to wait for it to be over to make out with him. It was an irredeemable piece of tripe, but it was fucking awesome.

The tagline was something like:

"Can the best soldier mankind has to offer . . . and the worst criminal mankind cannot kill . . . satisfy the unnatural lusts of the most depraved experiment . . . and destroy the most inhuman threat in Earth's history . . . . before it is TOO LATE?"

It starred Sam Neill as the honorable military dude leading an expedition down to the wrecked remains of a massive ship in an attempt to retrieve survivors. What he had not been told was that the ship was really an experimental lab, and a mole in his unit had been instructed to salvage the research and blow up the ship, leaving no survivors.

This backfired, of course, and the mole only got as far as accidentally releasing the Things In Tubes before they tore him apart and ate him. The Things In Tubes ate the rest of the team, leaving only Sam Neill to call for help. We do not see the Things In Tubes. Fade to black, opening credits.

Kurt Russell, meanwhile, is in a holding facility somewhere in the desert. A massive, featureless room. He's shackled to a metal chair, head down, with only one light shining down on him. He is a Tom Strong-like character, a self-made super-man, only he is evil. He was a Nazi super-warrior or something, and he massacred bajillions of innocent people. Anyway, he's all but indestructible and lives forever, so setting him free to deal with the Things In Tubes seems like a good idea.

Some dudes come in and offer him freedom in exchange for doing this one last thing. He totally agrees, though you can see on his face that he doesn't believe they'll really let him go.

He winds up underwater in the part of the ship with air still in it, where the Things In Tubes are finally revealed.

They are aquatic cannibal mermaid zombie weretigresses, and believe me, that is way, way cooler even than it sounds.

In the tubes, they'd mostly eaten themselves away to nothing (hence the zombie part, I guess) but upon being released, fed on the survivors and regenerated into these white tiger things with long sea-serpent tails and way too many teeth ([livejournal.com profile] missmonstermel would approve).

So Kurt and Sam kill a bunch of them, but there's a time limit -- their air is running out! Also, unbeknownst to them, the mole did manage to activate the self-destruct on the ship's main computer, which is now in the deepest underwater part of the ship where the monsters are making their lair.

They have to find the queen tiger and kill it, and then hopefully the others will kill each other off. They construct a Daring Plan that probably would've worked if not for the hot, blonde, naked, tiger-striped chicks that walked into Sam's room and dragged him offscreen.

Kurt discovers this and follows the trail of blood and Sam's locator signal down to the flooded elevator shaft. He swims down and finds Sam's dead body floating there. They haven't eaten him. Why not? He's BAIT!

The giant queen cannibal mermaid weretigress lunges out. You can tell she's the queen because she's got, like, four arms and shit. Kurt fires his underwater rocket launcher at her, but this only blows off one of her arms and makes her really mad. He flees back to the elevator shaft and climbs up, and the waters below churn as the monster queen thrashes in fury.

We pan up as Kurt is looking down, and we see a girl standing in the elevator opening, wrapped in waterlogged clothing. She's blonde and waifish, and looks like Mandy Moore. As he climbs further up the chain, she kneels down and extends an arm to him, offering to help pull him up. He stares at her, wondering how anyone managed to survive this long on the wreck, then reaches out to take her hand. . . .

Which is where I woke up. Before I could wake up with Tom Welling.

So, I leave it to you, my intrepid explorers of the unfathomable: what happens next? How does the movie end?

Remember, Kurt doesn't know the things can turn into people, nor does he know that the ship is going to self-destruct Real Soon Now. Is the girl a survivor? Is she One Of THEM?! Will there be sexin' -- otherwise why the "unnatural lusts" part? How unnatural are we talking? Will Kurt Russell live? What will happen when he returns to the surface? Will they renege on their bargain and cause him to go on a killing rampage?

Come on, folks, I want to know how this one ends! Spoiler me!
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (BTiLC Crazy Problem)
Garbage in, garbage out, I suppose. Sargon and I spent all last night watching crappy monster movies.

I get the best dreams when I'm napping. I'm going to fill in the blanks on this one and just throw it at you, because shouldn't we all enjoy a crappy movie on Saturday evening?

In the dream, that's what Tom Welling and I were doing. We were watching a crappy movie at the drive-in, and I had to wait for it to be over to make out with him. It was an irredeemable piece of tripe, but it was fucking awesome.

The tagline was something like:

"Can the best soldier mankind has to offer . . . and the worst criminal mankind cannot kill . . . satisfy the unnatural lusts of the most depraved experiment . . . and destroy the most inhuman threat in Earth's history . . . . before it is TOO LATE?"

It starred Sam Neill as the honorable military dude leading an expedition down to the wrecked remains of a massive ship in an attempt to retrieve survivors. What he had not been told was that the ship was really an experimental lab, and a mole in his unit had been instructed to salvage the research and blow up the ship, leaving no survivors.

This backfired, of course, and the mole only got as far as accidentally releasing the Things In Tubes before they tore him apart and ate him. The Things In Tubes ate the rest of the team, leaving only Sam Neill to call for help. We do not see the Things In Tubes. Fade to black, opening credits.

Kurt Russell, meanwhile, is in a holding facility somewhere in the desert. A massive, featureless room. He's shackled to a metal chair, head down, with only one light shining down on him. He is a Tom Strong-like character, a self-made super-man, only he is evil. He was a Nazi super-warrior or something, and he massacred bajillions of innocent people. Anyway, he's all but indestructible and lives forever, so setting him free to deal with the Things In Tubes seems like a good idea.

Some dudes come in and offer him freedom in exchange for doing this one last thing. He totally agrees, though you can see on his face that he doesn't believe they'll really let him go.

He winds up underwater in the part of the ship with air still in it, where the Things In Tubes are finally revealed.

They are aquatic cannibal mermaid zombie weretigresses, and believe me, that is way, way cooler even than it sounds.

In the tubes, they'd mostly eaten themselves away to nothing (hence the zombie part, I guess) but upon being released, fed on the survivors and regenerated into these white tiger things with long sea-serpent tails and way too many teeth ([livejournal.com profile] missmonstermel would approve).

So Kurt and Sam kill a bunch of them, but there's a time limit -- their air is running out! Also, unbeknownst to them, the mole did manage to activate the self-destruct on the ship's main computer, which is now in the deepest underwater part of the ship where the monsters are making their lair.

They have to find the queen tiger and kill it, and then hopefully the others will kill each other off. They construct a Daring Plan that probably would've worked if not for the hot, blonde, naked, tiger-striped chicks that walked into Sam's room and dragged him offscreen.

Kurt discovers this and follows the trail of blood and Sam's locator signal down to the flooded elevator shaft. He swims down and finds Sam's dead body floating there. They haven't eaten him. Why not? He's BAIT!

The giant queen cannibal mermaid weretigress lunges out. You can tell she's the queen because she's got, like, four arms and shit. Kurt fires his underwater rocket launcher at her, but this only blows off one of her arms and makes her really mad. He flees back to the elevator shaft and climbs up, and the waters below churn as the monster queen thrashes in fury.

We pan up as Kurt is looking down, and we see a girl standing in the elevator opening, wrapped in waterlogged clothing. She's blonde and waifish, and looks like Mandy Moore. As he climbs further up the chain, she kneels down and extends an arm to him, offering to help pull him up. He stares at her, wondering how anyone managed to survive this long on the wreck, then reaches out to take her hand. . . .

Which is where I woke up. Before I could wake up with Tom Welling.

So, I leave it to you, my intrepid explorers of the unfathomable: what happens next? How does the movie end?

Remember, Kurt doesn't know the things can turn into people, nor does he know that the ship is going to self-destruct Real Soon Now. Is the girl a survivor? Is she One Of THEM?! Will there be sexin' -- otherwise why the "unnatural lusts" part? How unnatural are we talking? Will Kurt Russell live? What will happen when he returns to the surface? Will they renege on their bargain and cause him to go on a killing rampage?

Come on, folks, I want to know how this one ends! Spoiler me!
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Lucian Wags)
"Spiteful, vindictive, very large, but never crazy."

We saw Enchanted on Monday night, and now I really want that on a shirt.*

It was an extremely cute movie, even if I spent about half of it going "Oh, no way! They aren't going to go the--AAAAAAGH!" Because they totally did do that. I recommend it.

The idea of moving between a fantasy fairy-tale cartoon world and live-action modern Earth is rife with possibilities for humor. Sargon and I have decided that Giselle is going to be so unhappy when she finds out about Aunt Flo. Then again, it'd be hilarious to hear her singing the Happy Little Tampon Song. I believe that [livejournal.com profile] spacezombie gets credit for that idea, from waaay back when we were watching The 10th Kingdom.**

As an aside, James Marsden is so incredibly cute, and I very much want one, but I don't think they make cat carriers in his size. Alas. (Please tell me I'm not the only one to have noticed that he looks like a housecat. Specifically, old-school Puss in Boots.)

We also rented Skinwalkers last week. Now, I'd heard that this was a truly terrible movie. To my surprise it proved to be okay.

I thought it had a weak beginning. There was a lot of "We must find The Chosen Child before the Convergence of Plot Points, when the Capital Letters will converge and render us all Powerless!" It was stilted and awkward. It picked up, though, and by the time they hit the road and things started to go wrong, it was much more interesting.

Yes, the mystical child bit has been done to death, but the actor was genuinely funny, and they at least gave it an interesting twist -- even if it only came at the end of the movie.

I also liked the villain's story arc. They avoided giving him a simple ending, and I thought that was a wonderful dramatic decision. I don't know if I buy Jason Behr as the stroppy werewolf alpha -- he was pretty ex-boyfriend Billy Fordham in the vampire-wannabe episode of Buffy, for Pete's sake -- but even if he didn't have the forceful sort of presence I'd have been casting for, he at least tried, and I have to admit he looked hot doing it.

My only real disappointment is that there was no strong wolf element. At no point did any of our werewolves actually change shape. Oh, sure, they grew some fur and they got some facial prosthetics, but it's very hard to do early-stage transformation makeup without making the subject look like an extra from CATS. They tried, and it looked pretty good, but it wasn't wolfish . . . except in the very last fight scene where both Natassia Malthe and Jason Behr got some of the most interesting and unsettling werewolf facials*** I've ever seen. That last shot of Varek, where we see him at his most animal -- freaking out, fangs bared, drooling -- was amazingly effective. They at least made a stab at accurate canine dentition, which is nice of them.

Don't mistake me; it's not a good movie. It's a good B movie. A 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. It was severely bad in places, but there were a few good bits -- plus some werewolf sexin' with two extraordinarily good-looking people, so that's a win.

Anyway. I'm going to end on that note.

Up next, a link roundup!

* Even though it's a lie -- I am definitely certifiable.

** Which is a wonderful little mini-series detailing the adventures of a New York girl stuck in a fairy-tale kingdom. I highly recommend it, too, for very silly fun.

*** . . . But, then, I suppose a werewolf facial would always be pretty unsettling.
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Lucian Wags)
"Spiteful, vindictive, very large, but never crazy."

We saw Enchanted on Monday night, and now I really want that on a shirt.*

It was an extremely cute movie, even if I spent about half of it going "Oh, no way! They aren't going to go the--AAAAAAGH!" Because they totally did do that. I recommend it.

The idea of moving between a fantasy fairy-tale cartoon world and live-action modern Earth is rife with possibilities for humor. Sargon and I have decided that Giselle is going to be so unhappy when she finds out about Aunt Flo. Then again, it'd be hilarious to hear her singing the Happy Little Tampon Song. I believe that [livejournal.com profile] spacezombie gets credit for that idea, from waaay back when we were watching The 10th Kingdom.**

As an aside, James Marsden is so incredibly cute, and I very much want one, but I don't think they make cat carriers in his size. Alas. (Please tell me I'm not the only one to have noticed that he looks like a housecat. Specifically, old-school Puss in Boots.)

We also rented Skinwalkers last week. Now, I'd heard that this was a truly terrible movie. To my surprise it proved to be okay.

I thought it had a weak beginning. There was a lot of "We must find The Chosen Child before the Convergence of Plot Points, when the Capital Letters will converge and render us all Powerless!" It was stilted and awkward. It picked up, though, and by the time they hit the road and things started to go wrong, it was much more interesting.

Yes, the mystical child bit has been done to death, but the actor was genuinely funny, and they at least gave it an interesting twist -- even if it only came at the end of the movie.

I also liked the villain's story arc. They avoided giving him a simple ending, and I thought that was a wonderful dramatic decision. I don't know if I buy Jason Behr as the stroppy werewolf alpha -- he was pretty ex-boyfriend Billy Fordham in the vampire-wannabe episode of Buffy, for Pete's sake -- but even if he didn't have the forceful sort of presence I'd have been casting for, he at least tried, and I have to admit he looked hot doing it.

My only real disappointment is that there was no strong wolf element. At no point did any of our werewolves actually change shape. Oh, sure, they grew some fur and they got some facial prosthetics, but it's very hard to do early-stage transformation makeup without making the subject look like an extra from CATS. They tried, and it looked pretty good, but it wasn't wolfish . . . except in the very last fight scene where both Natassia Malthe and Jason Behr got some of the most interesting and unsettling werewolf facials*** I've ever seen. That last shot of Varek, where we see him at his most animal -- freaking out, fangs bared, drooling -- was amazingly effective. They at least made a stab at accurate canine dentition, which is nice of them.

Don't mistake me; it's not a good movie. It's a good B movie. A 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. It was severely bad in places, but there were a few good bits -- plus some werewolf sexin' with two extraordinarily good-looking people, so that's a win.

Anyway. I'm going to end on that note.

Up next, a link roundup!

* Even though it's a lie -- I am definitely certifiable.

** Which is a wonderful little mini-series detailing the adventures of a New York girl stuck in a fairy-tale kingdom. I highly recommend it, too, for very silly fun.

*** . . . But, then, I suppose a werewolf facial would always be pretty unsettling.
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Vitriolic)
Well, [livejournal.com profile] alainbriongloid asked me for a list of movies I never want to see again, and I couldn't resist the opportunity. So, I compiled a partial catalog of stuff I could go the rest of my life without seeing ever again.

Just like there are some movies that are bad, but enjoyable anyway, there are some movies that are good, but that I don't want to see again. Many are, in fact, perfectly entertaining movies, but something about them roused my ire. Sometimes it was sheer unpleasantness, sometimes it was a single actor, and sometimes it was merely my personal taste making me loathe something all out of proportion.

The list does contain bad movies, but I vetted my choices for movies that were not just crappy MST3K fodder, but were more than ordinarily bad. The movie must have either sucked in a truly epic way, or ruined a sequel or franchise. Preference was given to high-budget, much-hyped movies, and movies that are popular. I tried not to include movies that are widely regarded as terrible, like the Star Wars prequels, unless something else about them was particularly heinous.

At any rate, and in no particular order, they are:

Drumroll, please . . . )

Aaah. I feel better.

I know that this list is nowhere near complete, but 14 is all I could come up with at a single sitting. There may well be further installments.
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Vitriolic)
Well, [livejournal.com profile] alainbriongloid asked me for a list of movies I never want to see again, and I couldn't resist the opportunity. So, I compiled a partial catalog of stuff I could go the rest of my life without seeing ever again.

Just like there are some movies that are bad, but enjoyable anyway, there are some movies that are good, but that I don't want to see again. Many are, in fact, perfectly entertaining movies, but something about them roused my ire. Sometimes it was sheer unpleasantness, sometimes it was a single actor, and sometimes it was merely my personal taste making me loathe something all out of proportion.

The list does contain bad movies, but I vetted my choices for movies that were not just crappy MST3K fodder, but were more than ordinarily bad. The movie must have either sucked in a truly epic way, or ruined a sequel or franchise. Preference was given to high-budget, much-hyped movies, and movies that are popular. I tried not to include movies that are widely regarded as terrible, like the Star Wars prequels, unless something else about them was particularly heinous.

At any rate, and in no particular order, they are:

Drumroll, please . . . )

Aaah. I feel better.

I know that this list is nowhere near complete, but 14 is all I could come up with at a single sitting. There may well be further installments.
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
In slightly less fangirlish and squealy news, Blood and Chocolate came out on DVD Tuesday and I highly recommend that you rent or buy it if, like nearly everyone, you missed it in the theater.

I will also say that the new Hellboy animated movie, Blood and Iron, is fucking-A awesome. And a lot bloodier and darker than Sword of Storms, the previous one.

And, concluding my movie opinions, Ghost Rider is stupid beyond belief. I want to watch it again right away.

In art news, I'm finishing flat black and white art at a marvelous clip -- about one piece every other day. I hope you lot are prepared to buy some of it once the convention is over! These are small pieces, none larger than 9 x 14, most smaller than 5 x 7. I'd love to see them go to good homes. I have about six pieces so far, and I'm hoping to finish a dozen or so if I have time between boxes. The one I finished tonight is especially charming; I may be keeping her. It's nice to do art that I personally would want to own.

Less good are the continuing side effects from this drug. The worst of the side effects have passed. They were disturbing at first, but they are gone now, I'm none the worse for wear, and all that's left is . . . drowsiness from hell. I'm sleeping 7 - 8 hours a night, which is normal for me. I'm still taking about two one-hour naps a day, and I have very little energy. I don't like this at all. It means I spend most of my time too tired to do much, and consequently I am bored a lot.

As I have nothing exciting to report, I'm going to go and try to work a little more, and hope it cheers me up. I've been a little blue and a lot fretful all day.
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
In slightly less fangirlish and squealy news, Blood and Chocolate came out on DVD Tuesday and I highly recommend that you rent or buy it if, like nearly everyone, you missed it in the theater.

I will also say that the new Hellboy animated movie, Blood and Iron, is fucking-A awesome. And a lot bloodier and darker than Sword of Storms, the previous one.

And, concluding my movie opinions, Ghost Rider is stupid beyond belief. I want to watch it again right away.

In art news, I'm finishing flat black and white art at a marvelous clip -- about one piece every other day. I hope you lot are prepared to buy some of it once the convention is over! These are small pieces, none larger than 9 x 14, most smaller than 5 x 7. I'd love to see them go to good homes. I have about six pieces so far, and I'm hoping to finish a dozen or so if I have time between boxes. The one I finished tonight is especially charming; I may be keeping her. It's nice to do art that I personally would want to own.

Less good are the continuing side effects from this drug. The worst of the side effects have passed. They were disturbing at first, but they are gone now, I'm none the worse for wear, and all that's left is . . . drowsiness from hell. I'm sleeping 7 - 8 hours a night, which is normal for me. I'm still taking about two one-hour naps a day, and I have very little energy. I don't like this at all. It means I spend most of my time too tired to do much, and consequently I am bored a lot.

As I have nothing exciting to report, I'm going to go and try to work a little more, and hope it cheers me up. I've been a little blue and a lot fretful all day.
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Morningstar)
Yesterday was a genuinely great day.

I got started on the painting part of one commission, and finished up all but a few details of a really nice basic design for the top of the other. The bigger one is taking a little longer than I'd like, but once I get painting it'll go fast. The drawing is the hard part. I've lost my favorite book on drawing tigers, too.

Also yesterday, [livejournal.com profile] sargon999 and I watched The Prestige, which is so far beyond fucking-A call-everyone-you-know cool I cannot even articulate it.

I can't say anything concrete without committing spoiler, but I will say that by the time Hugh Jackman left Colorado Springs I had figured out some of what was going on: enough that I was about to climb out of the chair and right out of my skin with the heebie-jeebies. Ask Sargon. I had the blanket around my neck, my hand in my mouth, and from time to time I'd just moan softly in denial or shudder convulsively.

I have never seen such a politely frightening film in all my life. I doubt I am the only person who found it horrifying on a human level.

That said, it's not the kind of disturbing that is so unpleasant you don't want to watch; it's the sort of movie you want to see over and over again just to catch all the little things you missed the first time through.

And, of course, it looked absolutely amazing. I think the last movie I saw that was even remotely comparable visually was probably Kingdom of Heaven. Even then, apples/oranges.

I absolutely recommend it. It's a challenge, and it asks a lot out of you, but it's worth the investment. I was riveted, and for most of it my mouth was just hanging open.

On the non-entertainment front, the auctions are going great, and I've still got some truly amazing stuff coming in. Truly, truly amazing. Thank you guys. Just . . . thank you.

I will find a way to say it properly when this is all over and done, but for now all I can say is that this is almost more than I can bear. Not the workload; I'm good. I mean the sheer human gratitude for generosity I never, ever expected to find. It's not heartbreaking, exactly, but it is whatever the equally-painful opposite of heartbreaking might be. I'm not sentimental (okay, I am, hopelessly, but I hide it really well), but this really gets to me.

I owe more thanks to [livejournal.com profile] topknot than I can rightly give. She pointed this whole mess with the delisting of the wolf in Idaho out to me, so whatever I manage to do about it can be laid at her feet, not mine.

And that's what passes for an update, folks. More tomorrow!
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Morningstar)
Yesterday was a genuinely great day.

I got started on the painting part of one commission, and finished up all but a few details of a really nice basic design for the top of the other. The bigger one is taking a little longer than I'd like, but once I get painting it'll go fast. The drawing is the hard part. I've lost my favorite book on drawing tigers, too.

Also yesterday, [livejournal.com profile] sargon999 and I watched The Prestige, which is so far beyond fucking-A call-everyone-you-know cool I cannot even articulate it.

I can't say anything concrete without committing spoiler, but I will say that by the time Hugh Jackman left Colorado Springs I had figured out some of what was going on: enough that I was about to climb out of the chair and right out of my skin with the heebie-jeebies. Ask Sargon. I had the blanket around my neck, my hand in my mouth, and from time to time I'd just moan softly in denial or shudder convulsively.

I have never seen such a politely frightening film in all my life. I doubt I am the only person who found it horrifying on a human level.

That said, it's not the kind of disturbing that is so unpleasant you don't want to watch; it's the sort of movie you want to see over and over again just to catch all the little things you missed the first time through.

And, of course, it looked absolutely amazing. I think the last movie I saw that was even remotely comparable visually was probably Kingdom of Heaven. Even then, apples/oranges.

I absolutely recommend it. It's a challenge, and it asks a lot out of you, but it's worth the investment. I was riveted, and for most of it my mouth was just hanging open.

On the non-entertainment front, the auctions are going great, and I've still got some truly amazing stuff coming in. Truly, truly amazing. Thank you guys. Just . . . thank you.

I will find a way to say it properly when this is all over and done, but for now all I can say is that this is almost more than I can bear. Not the workload; I'm good. I mean the sheer human gratitude for generosity I never, ever expected to find. It's not heartbreaking, exactly, but it is whatever the equally-painful opposite of heartbreaking might be. I'm not sentimental (okay, I am, hopelessly, but I hide it really well), but this really gets to me.

I owe more thanks to [livejournal.com profile] topknot than I can rightly give. She pointed this whole mess with the delisting of the wolf in Idaho out to me, so whatever I manage to do about it can be laid at her feet, not mine.

And that's what passes for an update, folks. More tomorrow!
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Travis Chest)
Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, hells yeah. Oooooh. Do that.

No, no, don't do tha--aah! That's it, that's i--aaaaah!!!

Oh, fuck. Jesus. FUCK.

FUCK!

Ah! God in heaven fuck a monkey Christ Jesus FUCK!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

. . .

That was me watching this movie.

That sniffling you hear is me trying to snort my liquefying brains back into my skull. The Egyptian mummificators used little hooky things to extract brains, and later, naphtha. Thankfully, in this day and age, we have Steven Strait naked and sweaty in bed. It at least saves us from having holes poked in our heads.

No, it's not a good movie. Please remember that I said it was not a good movie.

But it has Steve extremely shirtless and extremely cut, looking like he's put on about 15 pounds from Sky High. Oh, fine, they cut his hair so now he looks like a fuzzy little 10th grader with overdeveloped deltoids, but I can't complain when the movie features a scene tailor-made just for me. He appears in dark pants and a tight white shirt, and then he gets into a fight. Furthering the journey to Wrongsville, he then appears in tight lowrider swim-trunks, exposing most of his trim and manly flanks.

Thank god the only other person in the theater left halfway through and I was able to moan throatily, pull at my hair and clothing, and twitch to my heart's content without disturbing anyone else's moviegoing experience.

I'm serious. He's utterly beautiful. I've been a woman for almost 30 years, and I don't have an upper lip that kissable. No, I'm dead serious. Do not even try to argue with me. His mouth gives Scarlett Johansson's blowjob pout a run for its money.

Now that I'm done fangirling, I can tell you that the movie had a very cool premise, it looked great, and it just didn't quite hang together. It couldn't decide what kind of movie it wanted to be, and didn't quite kick enough ass to create its own thing in spite of that. The dialogue was uninspired and in places bad enough to distract me from naked boyflesh. The plot was predictable. Everything was dampish and wet, to the point that I started to feel really chilly.

That said, the effects were really neat, the music kicked ass (yay Collide!), there was copious gratuitous male nudity and assorted eye candy, and it was generally a fun ride. The big final dustup lacked subtlety, originality, and decent snappy patter, but it was still entertaining.

It wasn't a waste of $4.50, and I'll damn sure buy it on DVD for the white shirt scene alone, but it wasn't a watershed movie and I doubt it'll make anyone's career. Which is too bad, as I want to see a lot more of Steve. As in porn-movie "more."

Hey. You guys are allowed to have your bubbleheaded actresses you lust after even though they cannot freaking act. I can have my salty goodness. Guilty pleasure is the best kind.

Ah, I've missed having a new crush.
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Travis Chest)
Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, hells yeah. Oooooh. Do that.

No, no, don't do tha--aah! That's it, that's i--aaaaah!!!

Oh, fuck. Jesus. FUCK.

FUCK!

Ah! God in heaven fuck a monkey Christ Jesus FUCK!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

. . .

That was me watching this movie.

That sniffling you hear is me trying to snort my liquefying brains back into my skull. The Egyptian mummificators used little hooky things to extract brains, and later, naphtha. Thankfully, in this day and age, we have Steven Strait naked and sweaty in bed. It at least saves us from having holes poked in our heads.

No, it's not a good movie. Please remember that I said it was not a good movie.

But it has Steve extremely shirtless and extremely cut, looking like he's put on about 15 pounds from Sky High. Oh, fine, they cut his hair so now he looks like a fuzzy little 10th grader with overdeveloped deltoids, but I can't complain when the movie features a scene tailor-made just for me. He appears in dark pants and a tight white shirt, and then he gets into a fight. Furthering the journey to Wrongsville, he then appears in tight lowrider swim-trunks, exposing most of his trim and manly flanks.

Thank god the only other person in the theater left halfway through and I was able to moan throatily, pull at my hair and clothing, and twitch to my heart's content without disturbing anyone else's moviegoing experience.

I'm serious. He's utterly beautiful. I've been a woman for almost 30 years, and I don't have an upper lip that kissable. No, I'm dead serious. Do not even try to argue with me. His mouth gives Scarlett Johansson's blowjob pout a run for its money.

Now that I'm done fangirling, I can tell you that the movie had a very cool premise, it looked great, and it just didn't quite hang together. It couldn't decide what kind of movie it wanted to be, and didn't quite kick enough ass to create its own thing in spite of that. The dialogue was uninspired and in places bad enough to distract me from naked boyflesh. The plot was predictable. Everything was dampish and wet, to the point that I started to feel really chilly.

That said, the effects were really neat, the music kicked ass (yay Collide!), there was copious gratuitous male nudity and assorted eye candy, and it was generally a fun ride. The big final dustup lacked subtlety, originality, and decent snappy patter, but it was still entertaining.

It wasn't a waste of $4.50, and I'll damn sure buy it on DVD for the white shirt scene alone, but it wasn't a watershed movie and I doubt it'll make anyone's career. Which is too bad, as I want to see a lot more of Steve. As in porn-movie "more."

Hey. You guys are allowed to have your bubbleheaded actresses you lust after even though they cannot freaking act. I can have my salty goodness. Guilty pleasure is the best kind.

Ah, I've missed having a new crush.

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