naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Thane)

Once again from the turgid sea of content that is Tumblr, I bring you something relevant to my interests.

The (lovely and you should be following her) Iridessence got asked the following question.

In response to your "Respect Gender Pronouns" post. I can respect the proper pronouns, but not everyone knows them or is able to tell what someone is. I don't like it when people get seriously offended when they are called the wrong pronoun by someone that they don't even know. How is that person supposed to know what you want to be called?

Can there be respect for ignorance too? For those that are old fashioned or just plain unaware of new pronouns?

Respect ignorance.  That'll be a bumper sticker any minute now.

Iridessence's excellent answer: "You should probably ask a trans person, since even if it were my place to answer, I’m not sure how to."

It didn't actually address the asker's concerns, though, so here's my answer, edited slightly for clarity.

RESPECT GENDER PRONOUNS patch, black print on white fabric.
This awesome patch
and many others are available from TheChurchofHotCoffee on Etsy.

I'm female-leaning genderfluid who was born female and passes as female. It ain’t my place to speak for everyone, and I have a shitton of privilege and am sort of waffly on where exactly I fit in, so I don't know if I can rightly put forth an opinion on behalf of trans* folks, but I have to say, as a member of other marginalized groups:

"Can there be respect for ignorance, too?"

NO.  Indulgence and possibly understanding, and respect for the people themselves, but for the actual ignorance, no, not ever, NEVER, respect.  You do not respect ignorance.  Ignorance is the water that passively allows the poison of hate to fucking spread, and as it is harmful, it is not something that compels respect.

"For those that are old fashioned or just plain unaware of new pronouns?"

For the ignorant/unaware, there should be some level of tolerance, I think.  Some level of understanding that this is not a new thing (trans* history goes back to the earliest human civilizations), but a thing that is only just now making its way into the light of our own culture, and so it is new to some people.  So for people who don’t understand it yet, but would like to or are trying to, I think that there should be some meeting in the middle.

It is important to understand, though, that it can be really fucking tiring for trans* folks to have to correct people, and have those awkward, sometimes long, and always potentially hostile conversations.  Nobody is obligated to tiptoe around the ignorant person’s feelings.  Sometimes it’s fine to say “Take it or leave it.  Problems?  Problems.  Fine.  I have no time for this discussion and am not obligated to educate you when you could do it yourself. Goodbye.”

For the “old-fashioned” who just don’t want to acknowledge that gender is complicated?  NOOOOO.  I’m not saying outright hostility without provocation is called for, or anything, but a person’s right to respect trumps another person’s right to say shit that disrespects them, and deliberately misgendering someone because you disagree about who they are inside — as if you fucking know them better than they do — is very very very disrespectful.

The relatively polite question-asker toward whom I bear no ill will, doesn’t like it when people get upset about being misgendered.  Well, people get upset because they really don’t like being misgendered.  If it’s accidental, well, reacting badly is maybe not okay, but it’s sure kind of understandable considering how often it is done on purpose, and the results that can come from that.  “I don’t like it when marginalized people who are sometimes murdered for being what they are get angry when they have been hurt by someone refusing to acknowledge them in a way that doesn’t actually cost anyone anything other than a tiny bit of consideration” is … you do see how that looks?  You see how petty and one-sided and bratty that sounds?  Aside from genuine oh-shit-sorry-I-didn’t-know ignorance, there is no reason other than being kind of a butthole to refuse to acknowledge a person’s preferred gender once you are made aware of it.

I am not entirely unsympathetic, okay?  Truly, I am not.  I get it.  I'm assuming you’re talking about people who maybe would respect the person’s identity if they knew it, but they don’t know, and they get it wrong.  Yeah.  I get annoyed when someone who has literally no way of knowing what gender someone they are taking to (on the internet, for instance) and makes a guess, and they’re wrong, and then they get attacked.

I am sad that happens.  That’s shitty.  Not as shitty as, you know, being attacked for wearing the “wrong” clothes or using the “wrong” restroom, but shitty.  But you know how often I’ve seen that?  I’m holding up one hand and wiggling most of the fingers.  Now, maybe you’ve seen that way more often, and if so, I’m truly sorry you had that experience, and I have sympathy.  I legit hate that it happens, it makes me angry and sad, and I call it out when I see it.

But you know how many times I’ve seen people get all upset and whiny because they deliberately misgendered someone and the person responded by standing up for themselves and saying anything from “Hey, don’t do that please!" to "Go fuck yourself!" or something like that?  I stopped counting.  It’s not great that sometimes marginalized people assume ill will, but it’s coming from a place of being totally shit on by our culture at large, so, again, understandable.  And some trans* people are fucking jerks, just like some brain surgeons, some writers, some dog owners, some blonde people, and some neo-pagan people are fucking jerks.  Holding us to a standard of perfect politeness in addition to the expectation that we perform our gender “correctly” is fucking oppressive as shit.  It’s saying “No, we will only engage in dialogue with you if you are totally respectful of us when we are disrespectful of you.  Otherwise we shut it down until you can watch your tone.”

Basically, holding the progress of our acceptance hostage against our perfect good behavior.  Our culture may give you a free pass to do that, but marginalized folks don’t have to.  We don’t like it, and we aren’t obligated to do it.  So asking “why are some trans* people so meeeean” is futile.  Some people are just fucking mean, okay?  It sucks having run-ins with them, but holding them against us is not cool.

And yes, before you ask the somewhat logical “Then why is it okay to hold OUR behavior against US?!”, there’s a difference between the two.

There’s the side of being a defensive dickbag who tries to take your whole hand off when accidentally poked. Being a jerk results in hurt feelings.  Nothing more.

There’s the side of being an active oppressor who takes his right to say anything he wants as an excuse to shove toxic shit down the throats of people lower on the totem pole than he is. This system results in people getting beaten, raped, thrown out of their homes, and killed.

Therefore, there is a difference between holding the behavior of a marginalized person against the whole group, and holding the behavior of a bigoted shitwad against the group of people that for the most part fosters and encourages that shitwad behavior, and which actively shoves down that same marginalized group — thus causing a lot of defensive hostility.  And I hope you can understand that, or come to.

Again, a person’s right to respect trumps another person’s right to say shit that disrespects them, and marginalized people are the ones who get to define what is disrespectful to their group.  It’s very, very simple.  It’s just not something people want to have to acknowledge, because it requires dislodging their comfortable opinions about who people are and what they are supposed to be.

Originally posted at Silver Into Steel.  Comment anywhere!
naamah_darling: The Punisher skull with a red ribbon barrette. (Punisher Ribbon)
So, [ profile] theferrett has a great, to-the-point entry up about names, pronouns, and having some fucking respect for other people's identities.

Money quote:

The Sneer stems from the understanding that this name I have given is so ludicrous that it doesn't deserve to be taken seriously. Their goal, though they don't think about this explicitly, is to undermine my identity. In other words, "What you want is so stupid, I refuse to continue before I make you acknowledge that it's not a 'real' name." And to that, I say: fuck that.

The principle's similar with gender. When people start getting snotty and going, "Well, she's not a real man," then that's effectively a way of saying, "What he wants doesn't matter to me. What matters is that my conceptions of what gender is remain firmly intact; I know what a man is, and by attempting to venture outside that boundary of established stereotypes, he's become a joke. And I must force people to acknowledge that fakeness before I can continue.”

Right the fuck ON, dude. Thank you.

And in the comments, a link to this older gem:

Do you use Boy Words or Girl Words? Or the other words, but I can’t ‘amember them.

Go read that and feel a little less shitty about the world. If a three-year-old can get it, an adult can get it. It doesn't fuck kids up to be raised with more fluid ideas of gender than the ones we had forced on us. These kids will be fine, and the world will be fine. Better than fine.

I have a really complicated relationship with my own gender, in no small part because of the cultural climate in which I was raised (very either/or). I identify as female, and probably always will, but there's a lot more to me than that, and I wish I'd known that there were other options so that I could have taken a look at that at a much younger age.

I'd like to think that in the future, someone like me will be able to form their identity without having to choose from a binary so young, and will have whatever understanding of themselves they reach be respected by others. I'd love for the world to understand that there's a whole spectrum of combinations of gender and body and orientation, and, something I almost never see acknowledged: for some people, their identity is not fixed and actually changes back and forth. Bad enough having to explain that no, really, you ARE a "real" man/woman. Imagine if that identity changed from day to day.
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Warning: Death Ray)
An Indiana hospital ridicules Erin Vaught and refuses her treatment after she came to the emergency room coughing up blood. Why? Because she is a transgendered woman.

She was kept waiting for treatment for two hours, ridiculed by staff, called "he-she" and "it," ignored, and eventually refused treatment altogether because of "the transvestite thing." All in front of her wife and son, both of whom must have been horribly worried about her.

No, I did not make a typo. These are medical professionals so ill-educated they do not know the difference between "transgendered" and "transvestite," and are such fucking assholes they do not care.

I want to point out that this was not a failure of one person. It was multiple people. In essence, yes, the hospital as a whole.

Ms Vaught is receiving treatment at another hospital thanks to an advocacy group. Thankfully, there was time to arrange that. What would have happened if she had been in critical condition? Would these people have turned her out to die? Yes, I actually think they would have.

For fuck's sake. These people should not be allowed to change birdcage liners, much less provide care to human beings. They should all be fired and hopefully never hired for a position requiring contact with the public ever again.

Send Ball Memorial Hospital a message demanding accountability via petition.

Ball Memorial's Facebook page. Click "like" and leave them a comment telling them how disgusting they are.


naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)

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