One, don't expect to hear much from me for the next couple days. I have a sucky doctor's appointment tomorrow, and I'm pretty much a mess. I feel very stupid for signing up for it, because it was totally voluntary, but it's some nasty fear in a very short period of time to potentially save a lot of fear and worry later on. It seemed like a great fucking idea at the time but I would be lying if I said I don't feel like a stupid, stupid asshole about it just now. It feels like borrowing trouble, and this is a shitty time to be doing that, what with everything else going on. I'm tired of being in inexplicable, unpredictable, annoying pain, but it sure feels like I'm doing it for no goddamned good reason.
Two, this may seem a really weird thing to say, but to certain folks who know me IRL, y'all may notice I am not eating as much. This is probably not even detectable (gaming snacks are kind of irresistible) to y'all but I just wanted to put that out there so that IF you noticed, you wouldn't worry. It's a combination of stress killing my appetite and my innards being disagreeable, and not some concealed starving-myself thing. I'm actually pretty pissed about it, because on some sick level it pleases me just a tiny little bit, and that is . . . well . . . it's evidence that I'm still dealing with that crap, a little. The stress will pass, and hopefully the stomach woes will pass, and I will soon go back to eating whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want. Which is as it should be. (See, I know I am fundamentally okay, because I would eat the fuck out of some lemon icebox pie from Mary's and not feel bad about it at all.)
Also, I've lost weight, apparently. I have no idea how much, but I can really feel it. This is nothing to be proud of or happy about and I really don't want compliments, but nor is it cause for alarm. It's as much the Seroquel fucking off as it is anything else, and I am not doing it on purpose. I'm not doing that shit to myself again. It seems to have stabilized again.
Thank y'all for looking after me. Please do not hesitate, EVER, to ask me about behavior that worries you. Please. I've resolved to be honest and accountable and not lie to the people I love, so that I know I can never go back there again, even if I want to.
Love to y'all. See you in a couple days. Or, you know, whenever. Sometimes I post a lot when I'm upset. Never can tell.