Feb. 28th, 2016

naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
People tell you to "get help" and I am starting to hate that phrase more than any other in the English language because it almost never actually works.

Like, what do you think I am trying to do?

I need help, I have asked for help repeatedly, and I am simply not getting it.

Two months now.

I can't keep doing this. I don't want to die, I really don't, but I need this to just. Stop.

Everyone around me is busy or stressed -- often because of me, and let me tell you what a great feeling that is. Fucking up other people's lives by complicating them at the worst possible time, and not being there for them when they need me.

I can't do it myself because even with notes I can't remember what is going on or who is doing what. I reached some kind of cognitive short-curcuit about two weeks ago, my brain just crashed and I haven't been able to reboot it since then, despite trying like crazy.

At this point I can't even effectively ask for help from anyone new because I can't explain the situation and without being able to do that, I start over at square one every single time, costing me days at least. More like a week or a week and a half.

I'm so utterly adrift.

And I'm scared.

I just need this to be over. People tell me to hold on and I'm starting to hate that phrase too. What does "hold on" even mean? What other choice do I have?

I hate being broken. I hate being treated like worthless trash, thrown out again and again. I hate that it's easier psychologically, that it *feels better* right now, to believe that I'm garbage not worth saving than dealing with having to fight all the time. I mean, if I deserve it, then I shouldn't fight it, should I? And that's a relief. I honestly want to give up and that scares me.

I literally can't go any further.

I just need my meds. You know. The ones people want you to be on when they tell you to get help.

I know it isn't true that I'm worthless, but how else am I expected to feel when I can't even fight for myself for whatever scraps of progress are there to be made?

I wish I believed this will change and I just don't. I don't.


naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)

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