Jul. 16th, 2016

naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
It's still most days that something goes wrong, and even a little pain leaves me nervous and wondering if there will be more, and if so, when, so it makes it uncomfortable going anywhere.

My gut's latest trick is attacking me if I drink too much at once.  Even water.

I can't even drink water.

And eating what most people would consider a "full meal" tends to be too much for me.

Keep in mind, I am not less hungry or thirsty than most people.  I still need to eat and drink just as much as anyone else.  But I have to do it in little bits if I want to avoid pain.

A person with executive functioning issues having to split meals up into smaller, more frequent meals.

Guess how easy that is for me?  Guess how often I manage it?  Go on.  Guess.  I eat two full meals on an average day.  It has to be a very good day before I get to 3.

And wow, this constant threat of pain makes every aspect of my health care more fearful.

What if I hurt myself and need to be on pain pills?  Those constipate you, and the IBS sure doesn't need help doing that.  The remedy for that is laxatives, which cause intestinal spasms that are agonizing.

Anything that causes diarrhea or constipation gives me literal pain in my asshole.  Hemorrhoids, or just plain acid burn.  OR BOTH.  Disgusting, yes, but fuck it, I've stopped trading on my sex appeal here, and I'm too fucking tired to be embarrassed anymore.

What if I wind up in the hospital for something?  Will they provide me with food I can safely eat?  (Fuck, will they even treat me with dignity?)

What if I wind up losing my gall bladder (all the women in my family have)?  That causes digestive woes for many people, the majority, even, who have gall bladder surgery.  I don't need more acid shits!

What if I wind up having to go on a specialized diet for insulin resistance/diabetes?  That would leave me unable to eat anything.  I can't eat fats, and most proteins are dicey.  No dairy.  Vegetables are pretty much right out.  Fruit is iffy.  Taking away carbs would leave me with literally nothing to eat.  (This one is at least comparatively unlikely; it doesn't run in my family that I am aware.)

Like, laugh if you want, but this stuff keeps me up at night.

My guts just attacked me a couple of hours ago and while it wasn't that bad as these things go, I don't have the spoons to deal with it again.  I don't want to eat, but I'm hungry.

I'm tired of it.  I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.  And unless they make FMT more widely available for IBS, then make Medicaid pay for it, I'm going to have to.

I mean, poop transplants, wow, that's its own traumatizing nightmare that I would rather jam a fondue fork up my nose than seriously discuss at any length, but at least it would offer some hope provided I could stop having panic attacks long enough to do it.

I can go back to the gastroenterologist, I guess, and try to get him to prescribe me Rifaximin again, at the higher dose a couple of studies show it was effective for IBS, and hope that the higher dose gives longer-lasting effects than the lower doses did.

There's just so few options for treatment, and even managing it this well has required me to live off of chicken and rice and chicken noodle soup for months now.  So like, best case scenario the way things are right now, I can still only eat like five things, but I'm not in pain.

Worst case scenario, it just keeps getting worse, I can eat nothing, and can't even drink water.

All that said, my life is amazing and I am very grateful because 2016 may be a disaster on a "the entire rest of the world" level, but for me personally it has been pretty fantastic.  Yeah, there was the whole "I can't get my meds" issue, but that's sorted for now, and the divorce stuff is painful in many ways which is pretty unavoidable, but . . . yeah.  I'm happier than I have been in a long time.

Just.  You know.  Being able to DRINK would be nice.


naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)

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