naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Thane)
[personal profile] naamah_darling
Today was very bad, and I considered -- briefly -- posting one of those alarming and cryptic "I have forgotten what hope even feels like and all my dreams are rubble" updates that tell nothing, vaguely threaten, and tend to disturb everyone who reads them. Decided not to, and will save it for when I know more and am less upset and won't just worry everyone. It's mental health stuff, so it's not like it's anything new. I'm all right, I'll be all right, I just don't feel like it right now. But I know that's how this shit works, and I'm not playing that game. I lost my shit earlier, and that is enough.

I do feel considerably better about one thing after FINALLY seeing the dermatologist. He walked in the room, took one look at me, and said "ROSACEA FULMINANS." And now I have a bunch of samples of something new, a prescription for some other stuff, and an appointment in three months. I don't know if I've discussed my horrible ongoing skin problem here enough for people to remember I have it, but there it is. I've been a flared-up, crusty, pimple-covered mess for months now, it fucking hurts, it's ugly, and I have had enough.

He did confirm that my skin care regimen is not making it worse, and that I've been basically doing everything right, so this is in no way my fault. I knew that, but it was good to hear.

I hope this stuff works. And I have hope that it will. Which are two different things, you know. So cross your fingers for that. If I could have just one less thing to deal with, one fewer painful thing jabbing me every couple of minutes, the rest of it would be a little easier.

Etrigan went with Sargon to the vet today, and we really do think it's asthma. So he's on prednisone, and we'll see how that works out. I will keep you updated as we learn anything. I really don't want this to be a chronic drain on our resources, but I love the little bastard, I love him so much, and there's no way I'm sending him to live with anyone else. He is so stupid, which means he does everything with singular delight, and it's hilarious to watch. And he is learning to cuddle. When he does, it is epic, he is a wonderful cuddler if he is in the mood for it. When he's not, it's like trying to hold on to an angry squid. That farts. It's hard to love him, he's kind of a butthole, but once you do, you can't really stop.

The money you all donated for his vet care has made all the difference. What we haven't used will unfortunately have to get put toward medical care for me, but that's worthy, I suppose. I am also an excellent cuddler, when I want to be.

Right now there are so many things to do and to deal with, and I feel like everything is running away from me like sand. Things aren't good. Not even close. Oh my god, no. Not even close. But there are things I still love, like bags of My Little Pony hair and new Sharpies, and my one-eyed cat looks at me with such awkward affection that he doesn't know how to express, and my husband is the best backup ever, and I have friends who are there if I need them, for real, and I have my imaginary people who are there when nobody else can be, and maybe that's enough to get me through.

Maybe that's enough.

Well, that and a buncha this:


Date: 2012-04-20 03:00 pm (UTC)
elialshadowpine: (Default)
From: [personal profile] elialshadowpine
*crosses fingers that both the Naamah-meds and kitty-meds will work!*

You has my info if you need to talk, hon. <3

Also, where can I get me some of that lycanthropy inhibitor? :P

Date: 2012-04-20 03:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You know this, but you still deserve to be told:

You are as worthy as your cats.

Date: 2012-04-20 04:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
My ex-boss developed rosacea and the meds helped her considerably. So, hopefully this will be one plague off of your plate.

Take care. You're in my thoughts.

Date: 2012-04-20 04:25 pm (UTC)
dryadgrl: (Default)
From: [personal profile] dryadgrl
I hear you. Mental health stuff is hard. Since working out so much of it every time I'm hit with something it's a complete shock. I don't quite fall down a hill, but sometimes it feels like that.

I hope you feel better soon.

By the way, you are at least as worthy as your cats. Possibly a lot more so. Do take good care!

Date: 2012-04-20 04:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
**big big big hugs**

Date: 2012-04-20 05:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I keep typing and erasing things, but let me say good on you for navigating through the very bad stuff and coming back afterward to let us know you're better now. Also I'm really happy you have a handle on the skin condition. Fingers crossed that the new meds work swiftly and effectively!

Also, "Angry Farting Squids" is going to be the name of my Black Flag cover band.

Date: 2012-04-20 05:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I'm glad the doctor gave you solutions for the rosacea. I got my skin cleared up with sea buckthorn oil and tamanu oil, but all skin reacts differently to different things. :)

Also, you WILL be okay. <3

Date: 2012-04-20 05:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Sent you an email, sweetie. *hugs*

Date: 2012-04-20 07:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm sorry. Being crazy is the suck, and I can identify way too much with the dream-rubble and things you want or need or hoped to do sliding away like drying sand through a colander. I'm glad you're getting yourself medical attention in addition to effective care for the adorable dingbat farting squid. And I hope everything gets better for you soon.

Date: 2012-04-20 09:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*big, big hugs* Seriously, let us know if you need anything, big or small.

Date: 2012-04-20 11:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
First of all, I second the other posts; you are as worthy as your cats. And I think that the doctor identifying the problem you are having with your skin on sight is a good sign that he will be able to clear it up, which is awesome. I am also very glad you are feeling better now than earlier, and I hope your mood and situation continue to improve. :)

Second (and here is me being off-topic again, but in a good cause) in a previous post you mentioned a dream about Native American tribes with dragons... have you ever read any of the Temeraire series by Naomi Novik? It is sort of like that; dragons + the Napoleonic wars. And the dragons talk. And the draconic hero is very much a warrior and something of a philosopher, and yet somehow very innocent and childlike. Eventually the series gets into dragons in Australia, Africa (where they regard dragons as reincarnations of relatives), Brazil, the Americas, etc. It's a lot of fun, addresses some historical moral issues (slavery, for example) and the seventh book just came out. :)

Date: 2012-04-21 05:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
There's also the Fallen Cloud series, where the Cheyenne ride tyrannosaurs into battle.

Date: 2012-04-20 11:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ghu - I adore you - you are fabulous - you make the best ever posts.

Date: 2012-04-21 01:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
it's like trying to hold on to an angry squid. That farts.

Best description of a cat, ever. It's like the fart is their version of a skunk's reflex action.

I'm glad you've got something to help with your skin. Rosacea sucks balls.
Edited Date: 2012-04-21 01:12 am (UTC)

Date: 2012-04-21 04:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ah, hon, you're so worthy it's unreal! :) And beautiful, to boot!

I'm glad you can identify what the bipolar does to you and work through it. Even if it's to an extent, that's awesome! You know we're here for you however you need us, whether it be large or small!

*lots of hugs* You're in my thoughts!

Date: 2012-04-21 11:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*hugs gently*

Date: 2012-04-21 12:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I hope things start looking up for you guys soon. I'm glad your dermatologist is just that awesome.

And since everything else I want to say ends up being massive suck and angry instead of awesome support...

Alright, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade - make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager. Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons. Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons. I'm going to to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Edited Date: 2012-04-21 12:23 pm (UTC)

Date: 2012-04-21 05:59 pm (UTC)
ext_130371: (adore you)
From: [identity profile]
The image of an angry squid with the farts is really epic and hysterical. Just, you know, sayin'. I hope everything gets better!

Edited Date: 2012-04-21 06:00 pm (UTC)


naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)

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