Garbage in, garbage out, I suppose. Sargon and I spent all last night watching crappy monster movies.
I get the best dreams when I'm napping. I'm going to fill in the blanks on this one and just throw it at you, because shouldn't we all enjoy a crappy movie on Saturday evening?
In the dream, that's what Tom Welling and I were doing. We were watching a crappy movie at the drive-in, and I had to wait for it to be over to make out with him. It was an irredeemable piece of tripe, but it was fucking awesome
The tagline was something like:
"Can the best soldier mankind has to offer . . . and the worst criminal mankind cannot kill . . . satisfy the unnatural lusts of the most depraved experiment . . . and destroy the most inhuman threat in Earth's history . . . . before it is TOO LATE?
It starred Sam Neill as the honorable military dude leading an expedition down to the wrecked remains of a massive ship in an attempt to retrieve survivors. What he had not been told was that the ship was really an experimental lab, and a mole in his unit had been instructed to salvage the research and blow up the ship, leaving no survivors.
This backfired, of course, and the mole only got as far as accidentally releasing the Things In Tubes before they tore him apart and ate him. The Things In Tubes ate the rest of the team, leaving only Sam Neill to call for help. We do not see the Things In Tubes. Fade to black, opening credits.
Kurt Russell, meanwhile, is in a holding facility somewhere in the desert. A massive, featureless room. He's shackled to a metal chair, head down, with only one light shining down on him. He is a Tom Strong-like character, a self-made super-man, only he is evil. He was a Nazi super-warrior or something, and he massacred bajillions of innocent people. Anyway, he's all but indestructible and lives forever, so setting him free to deal with the Things In Tubes seems like a good idea.
Some dudes come in and offer him freedom in exchange for doing this one last thing. He totally agrees, though you can see on his face that he doesn't believe they'll really let him go.
He winds up underwater in the part of the ship with air still in it, where the Things In Tubes are finally revealed.
They are aquatic cannibal mermaid zombie weretigresses, and believe me, that is way, way cooler even than it sounds.
In the tubes, they'd mostly eaten themselves away to nothing (hence the zombie part, I guess) but upon being released, fed on the survivors and regenerated into these white tiger things with long sea-serpent tails and way too many teeth (missmonstermel
So Kurt and Sam kill a bunch of them, but there's a time limit -- their air is running out! Also, unbeknownst to them, the mole did
manage to activate the self-destruct on the ship's main computer, which is now in the deepest underwater part of the ship where the monsters are making their lair.
They have to find the queen tiger and kill it, and then hopefully the others will kill each other off. They construct a Daring Plan that probably would've worked if not for the hot, blonde, naked, tiger-striped chicks that walked into Sam's room and dragged him offscreen.
Kurt discovers this and follows the trail of blood and Sam's locator signal down to the flooded elevator shaft. He swims down and finds Sam's dead body floating there. They haven't eaten him. Why not? He's BAIT!
The giant queen cannibal mermaid weretigress lunges out. You can tell she's the queen because she's got, like, four arms and shit. Kurt fires his underwater rocket launcher at her, but this only blows off one of her arms and makes her really mad. He flees back to the elevator shaft and climbs up, and the waters below churn as the monster queen thrashes in fury.
We pan up as Kurt is looking down, and we see a girl standing in the elevator opening, wrapped in waterlogged clothing. She's blonde and waifish, and looks like Mandy Moore. As he climbs further up the chain, she kneels down and extends an arm to him, offering to help pull him up. He stares at her, wondering how anyone managed to survive this long on the wreck, then reaches out to take her hand. . . .
Which is where I woke up. Before I could wake up with Tom Welling.
So, I leave it to you, my intrepid explorers of the unfathomable: what happens next? How does the movie end?
Remember, Kurt doesn't know the things can turn into people, nor does he know that the ship is going to self-destruct Real Soon Now. Is the girl a survivor? Is she One Of THEM?! Will there be sexin' -- otherwise why the "unnatural lusts" part? How unnatural are we talking? Will Kurt Russell live? What will happen when he returns to the surface? Will they renege on their bargain and cause him to go on a killing rampage?
Come on, folks, I want to know how this one ends! Spoiler me!