naamah_darling: The letter A in a compass rose. (Adventurotica)
Yes! It's time for the next book trailer! Sorry for those who see this twice, but there's people reading me that don't read [livejournal.com profile] fever_dreams, and vice-versa. Tell me this isn't the best title ever:

Sky Pirates of the Rio Grande!


Opens with jerky, sepia-toned newsreel footage from the 19th Century. We see wide streets thronged with horses and carriages, women in big dresses and men with funny hats and big moustaches. We faintly hear plinky player-piano music.

SEXY KATE BECKINSALE-SOUNDING NARRATOR: The Civil War ended in 1865, and a new era began in the United States.

More footage of workers driving railspikes, chugging trains, steam billowing as people cheer.

SEXY NARRATRIX: It was a new age. A time of expansion, a time of technology leaping forward in great bounds, a time when anything seemed possible.

Machines with whirring gears, spinning flywheels, and great cascades of sparks.

SEXY SEXY OH YEAH BABY: The railroads expanded across the nation, opening the vast, uncharted territories of the frontier. Here the West began, and it engaged the imagination of Americans as few things ever had, or ever would again.

Train vanishes into a tunnel and we follow it, the screen going black.

SEXY NARRATOR IS SERIOUS NOW: (Screen is silent and black for a beat) But all of it – everything you ever learned – was a lie.

BOOM! We go to a full-color sweeping shot of the surreal landscape of the Southwest – pillars of stone and vast open spaces of barren red earth. An AIRSHIP swoops in past the camera, sun gleaming on its copper-plated sides, showing off open gunports and the churning blades of the propellers that drive it. We pan slowly past the stern as it pulls away to reveal a GIANT PIRATE FLAG! Music swells and we see the Smithsonian Institute, inside we see EDEN KANE crossing a fancy room and peering through a doorway. She is young and pretty but dressed somewhat poorly.

MAN IN VO: "This pirate matter, you understand, is far too important to entrust to just anyone."

ANOTHER MAN IN VO: "So you said in your cable, something about a code machine?"

Closeup on EDEN as she peeks through the door.

FIRST MAN IN VO: "It could be aboard an airship, but we think it may be in El Dorado."

Wide shot of a cliffside city with airships all around it, coming and going, swooshing past the camera. Cut to EDEN looking flustered and nervous.

EDEN: "Sir, I would like to volunteer for the mission to find El Dorado and the coding machine."

Cut to the dour face of the first man, then to the second man. Two-shot and they both laugh derisively.

BOOM! The music kicks up and we get rapid-cut shots of: airships with all guns blazing, exploding, men clashing sword to sword and firing pistols as they scream war-cries. This continues as . . .

FIRST MAN IN VO: "This is going to be a tremendously dangerous mission, young lady. It will entail travel across the most forbidding and hostile terrain in the territories of the thirty-seven states and beyond them. It will mean dealing with savages, cutthroats, anarchists and outlaws of all sorts. It is not a mission for a clerk or a woman."

Cut back to him as he stands up and points directly at her.

FIRST MAN: "Now kindly get back to your job while you still have it!"

EDEN: (Eyes downcast) "Yes sir."

RETURN OF THE SEXY NARRATOR: If you want to have an adventure. . .

We cut to ZENOBIA in a cage. She is a tall and stacked woman with tiger stripes down her arms and back and thighs. She stands up slowly.

EDEN VO AS WE CHECK OUT ZENOBIA'S HOTNESS: "I know everything about you. I read all the encrypted files. You were a bandit in Texas before the war. They caught you and brought you here. They gave you to Doctor Laclos for his theriomorphic experiments."

Quick cuts of ZENOBIA snarling and fighting like a feral animal, ZENOBIA with a sword in her hand and surrounded by men on the deck of an airship, ZENOBIA with a knife in her hand, snarling and bloody, ZENOBIA doing a backflip off an airship, middle finger upraised.

EDEN VO AS WE WATCH ZENOBIA KICK ASS: "Most of his subjects died."

Close shot of ZENOBIA's eyes as she looks up, bright gold.

EDEN VO: "But not you."

Cut to EDEN leaning toward the bars, her face earnest.

EDEN: "I need you, I need someone who can handle themselves, someone who can fight."

ZENOBIA: "What for?"

EDEN: "I can find El Dorado."

SEXY NARRATOR: . . .You're going to have to break a few rules.

ZENOBIA (leaning on the bars of her cage): "And what do I get from this?"

EDEN (cocks an eyebrow): "Don't you want out of here?"

Cut back to Zenobia, music stops. A beat, and then she grins with her sharp teeth.

BOOM! The music kicks into high gear and we get rapid cuts of gun battles, swordfights, EDEN and ZENOBIA kissing like maniacs, then standing back to back with swords ready. Charging bandits! Explosions! Dinosaurs! Shit, yeah, you heard me!


NARRATOR OF SEXY AWESOME: Everything you thought was true . . .

Pirates charging the camera! Swords clash! Naked thrusting!

NARRATOR TEH SEXIEST: . . . is a lie.

Six-legged horse! Hot chick with a rattlesnake tattoo down her back! ZENOBIA getting seriously fucked!

NARRATOR IS AWESOME YO: And the history you never knew . . .

Woman with horns cracks a whip! Scaled dragon-man grabs EDEN and kisses the fuck out of her!

NARRATOR KEEPS ON GOING: . . . is the greatest story of them all.

Sword clash! Explosion! Fade and TITLE:

SKY PIRATES OF THE RIO GRANDE

Starting Wednesday, July 27th inside your MIND at ADVENTUROTICA.COM

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